Private Thoughts
by Treenahasthaal
Summary: Beru was never very good at keeping secrets, but that was before one came into her life and into her heart.


This was written for the Skywalkathon on Livejournal, but the damned thing won't let me do a cut as it says the document is too long. This is was written for Saucysuhi.

Many thanks to Lyore for beta reading again and I hope I have achieved her thoughts.

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars or any of the characters. They belong to Mr Lucas and I would not pretend otherwise.

**Private Thoughts**

I knew at the back of my mind, those tiny little whispers of warning that people don't like listening to, that something was changing. That the conversation about the droids, the academy and Luke's father over our meal last night had a bigger significance than we realised. It seemed like all the secrets of our lives were catching up with us.

This could be the day we lose Luke. The day that the secrets that have kept us together, will now drive us apart.

I didn't get a good look at them, but there is something about those two droids that has nagged at me today. The gold one looks like any other protocol droid, but its voice and mannerisms remind me of Shmi's droid. He wasn't gold, though, just dirty blackened coverings that Shmi had managed to salvage and scrounge from her old slave master. But he was prissy and proper, you'd have thought he had been built for the Royal courts of the inner core worlds. Shmi once told me that her son, Anakin, had built the droid to help her.

Anakin, Luke's father.

Owen resents him. He has never said anything, but I know he does. I know that it pains him each time Luke asks about his father. I know that the knife twists in Owen's heart each time Luke's eyes sparkle with hope at more snippets of his unknown sire. I know Owen wishes Luke were his own son, his own child, his own flesh. He loves the boy and fears losing him as Shmi lost Anakin. We both remember her sadness and how she would stand outside the dome and watch the suns set, gazing at the sky as the stars came out and tells us that Anakin was out there somewhere, was training to be a Jedi Knight. But her longing to see him, her aching to hold him again was clear to us all.

It is a pain neither Owen and I wish to know...

Damn this dough isn't working today. Too much bantha milk, too little flour. Luke will be disappointed tonight if the biscuits don't rise. I've never known anyone with his appetite.

The Artoo looks like any other astromech, but he reminds me of that little droid that interrupted Shmi's funeral. That was a difficult time. Cliegg and Owen were distraught and were gone for days looking for her. Poor Cliegg never recovered from her death, and the loss of his leg, and was gone himself within three years.

But Shmi's tragedy was not ours alone. As much as we loved her, as much as Owen looked upon her as his mother, after losing his own at a very young age, we were not the only ones affected by her loss. There was Anakin.

Where are the dough cutters? I know I put them away last night.. Ah... here...

Anakin. Tall and handsome – though I have never dared say this to Owen, but I think I let slip one evening when speaking with Luke. He's such a good boy, not to have said anything to Owen.

Anakin. He scared me a little, I'll admit. I think he scared Owen, too. Though Owen would never say anything. He seemed to walk with power. Such a silly way to describe it, but that's what comes to mind. Power. I suppose he seemed that way because he was a Jedi Knight. But I heard him talking to the lady...

Padme. She was beautiful, I remember. The way they looked at each other... Well, they seemed close. I would have thought in love with one another, but there was a distance there, too, as though they were both trying to hide it, deny it. I have often wondered if she was Luke's mother. Obi-Wan has never really told us that much. I would have liked to have known for sure. I would have liked to have been able to tell Luke a little about her, even if doing so would have broke my heart for I love him as my son.

My memory is still so clear. They were in the garage and I had just given the lady a tray to take through to him. He had retreated from us all after bringing Shmi back, disappeared into the garage to be alone. But we could hear him tinkering with things. She thought he might need a drink, something to eat, so I prepared a little something for him. She had looked a little hesitant as she took it through to him, so I followed her, stood at the other side of the walkway. I almost went through when I heard him shouting, something being thrown. Then she spoke to him quietly and I'll never forget his reply.

"_I Killed them. I killed them all."_

I could feel myself chill at his words even though I wasn't sure what he was talking about.

"_They're dead. Every single one of them, and not just the men, but the woman and the children, too."_

I very nearly ran, then.

"_They're like animals and I slaughtered them like animals. I hate them!"_

The Tuskans. He had killed them all. An entire settlement. One man. Yes, he scared me.

Damn, I forgot to put the baking kiln on. My mind is wandering this morning because of those droids, because of the conversation last night, because of Luke's early start today before the suns were fully up.

He had seemed nervous as he raided the kitchen for his breakfast, started as he realised I was standing in the doorway watching him.

"_You're up early, Luke."_

A flush of red coloured his cheeks and he looked away_. "I have some things to do today before I get started."_

"_Really_," I had smiled and taken a container of biscuits from him._ "You need to leave some of these for your Uncle Owen, too." _I placed the biscuits down_. "I'll make a new batch today. So do these "things" you need to do involve the two new droids?"_

He had looked startled and I knew I had him, and knew what he was going to do. My heart tightened._ "You're going to try and find Obi-Wan, aren't you?"_

"_No... I... don't know... If he knew my father. Aunt Beru, what would you do?"_

That was Owen's mistake last night, mentioning Luke's father. Luke had mentioned coming across a recording. Had said the droid claimed to belong to Obi-wan Kenobi, had thought maybe Old Ben was related to him, was worried that Obi-wan would come looking for his droid. Owen then stumbled in to try and salvage the conversation and had thrown Luke another bite about his father.

"_He won't." _Owen had stated, struggling to maintain the secret._ "I don't think he exists any more. He died about the same time as your father."_

Owen had admitted to knowing of Obi-Wan and had brought Anakin into the conversation.

"_He knew my father?"_

I couldn't blame Luke for asking. I couldn't blame Luke for asking the question of me this morning and so I had answered truthfully as I have always tried to do – well, as honestly as is possible and still keep Luke protected.

"_I would want to know, Luke."_

He had looked down at the counter and I could see his debate with himself. Then he fixed me with those blue eyes of his, the ones he inherited from his father. I could never resist them._ "I need to know, Aunt Beru. You know I love you and Uncle Owen, don't you?"_

"_Of course I do, Luke_," I was shaken by his words, but unable to pin-point why.

"_Do you remember the night you told me a little about my father?"_

"_Yes," _I did remember. That was the night I told him about how his father had rescued his grandmother from the Tuskans, only for us to lose her anyway.

"_You told me my father was brave, strong and loyal." _His eyes burned at this and I felt we were on the cusp of something. He seemed intense as he moved to the other counter and lifted a container of Marave berry tarts. He seemed to...

Walk with power.

"_I want to be like that Aunt Beru." _He had told me intently. "_I want to be like my father, but not in the ways Uncle Owen says. Just the way you say."_

"_You already are, Luke." _I told him smiling.

He grinned at that, blushed again, laughed a little_. "Only a moth..." _He reddened, deeper._ "I mean...uh... I'll see you at lunch, Aunt Beru."_

And he was gone.

He had very nearly called me "mother." The half word, the meaning it conveyed caught my heart. I have longed to hear him say it. Longed to be called mother. Luke is my son, if not my flesh, and I love him as a mother loves her child.

I have raised him. I have been there for his nightmares, for his scrapes and bumps. I have helped him with homework, cooked his meals, held while he cried. Owen and I have put so much of ourselves into him, invested everything we have in him as we would have done with a child of our own flesh and blood.

A child.

Damn, the flour has annoyed my eyes. Isn't that kiln warmed yet? I'll never get my days chores done at this rate.

A child.

Fate. Destiny. The Force. Biology. Whatever it was, it denied Owen, and I, a child of our own. Oh, we tried. Even after agreeing to raise Luke we tried. We kept on trying as Luke grew and, over the years, he became our own as my womb remained barren. He became the son we could not have and Owen, the silly man, began to hope that Luke would someday inherit the farm. He completely ignored the fact that he was a Skywalker and tried to mould him into a Lars.

He failed.

Luke was meant for a different life than that of a Tatooine Moisture farm.

Luke...

"_Luke!" _I had shouted after him, followed at his back. He turned around looking at me quizzically, looking eager to be on his way. I could see the speeder sitting with the golden droid but I could not see the Artoo unit. _"What was the recording you saw?"_

He blushed again, smiled._ "A girl._"

A girl? Where did a girl fit in with Obi-Wan and the droids?

"_I'll see you later, Aunt Beru."_

I had numbly nodded. I wanted to stop him. I wanted to run after him again and forbid him to go. If I told him to, he would stop. He would do as I asked. He's a good boy.

But I had seen him last night. I had seen him standing, like Shimi, watching the suns set and the stars come out. I knew he was thinking about being stuck here, I knew he was thinking about the father we have lied about. I knew the pull of the stars was too much for him to resist for much longer. He is brave, strong and loyal, just like his father.

Luke is a Skywalker. The son of a Jedi Knight and we have denied it too long. I let him leave.

Ah, at last the kiln is hot enough, I can get these biscuits baked. Why are my hands shaking? I need to wipe my face, my hands. I can hear Owen shouting again, he's back from the fields and I don't want him to know I've been crying.

He had been angry earlier today. _"Have you seen Luke this morning?"_ He's angry a lot these last few weeks. I think he feels it, too.

"_He said he had some things to do before he started today. So he left early." _I was amazed at how calm my voice was, how easy it was to pretend.

"_Uh? Did he take those two new droids with him?"_ He was surprised at Luke's early rise. Normally it proves difficult getting him out of bed.

"_I think so_." Did you recognise them Owen? Or had you been pretending, as I am, that today is like any other day?

"_Well, he'd better have those units in the south range repaired by midday or there'll be hell to pay." _

I had a feeling Luke will not make the south ridge this morning.

The biscuits seem to be baking well after all, they might just turn out okay. I'll put some out for Owen before he leaves again after lunch. It might take the edge of his anger if he has something sweet to eat. I don't think I could stand another shouting match between the two of them.

Owen had left for the day still grouching about Luke disappearing with the droids. He'd wanted to take the Artoo himself for a memory wipe. Maybe he did recognise them after all...

And that was when the realisation really hit me. This could be the day we lose Luke. Thank goodness Owen was away this and wouldn't see me cry. I knew this day would come. I knew it would be painful. I just never knew it would hurt this much. I think now I understand how Shmi felt as she watched her son walk away with the Jedi.

She had told me she had said to him not to look back. I doubt that I have her strength. I think I would wrap my arms around the boy and hold him tight and wish I would never have to let him go.

What is Owen shouting about? Is that voices? Who is he talking, too? Is it Luke and Obi-Wan? I can't leave the biscuits in the oven, they only have a few minutes left. Owen sounds really angry though and...

That's a blaster!

I can hear vehicle engines as I enter the dome and start up the stairs. It's too deep to be Luke's speeder. Why would there be blaster fire? Tuskans don't attack at this time of day and...

Owen. That's Owen lying over there. Owen... He's fallen backward onto the scrap we had piled there. He's hurt. He's...

I whip my head around, trying to see past the white figure – stormtrooper, some detached part of me recognises – suddenly blocking my view of my husband. Owen...

I can feel the gauntlets on my arm now, squeezing me. Shaking.

My poor, poor Owen, gazing at the sky. But not Luke... where is Luke? Luke!

Luke... They want Luke. Does he know? Does Anakin know about Luke? Where is he? I don't see him. Surely he would have come himself for Luke, if he knew?

If he knew.

He doesn't know! This has been a mistake, they're only here for the droids. They don't know about Luke. Only that he is our nephew.

Anakin doesn't know. Not yet.

I can't believe how calm I feel. My Owen is dead, but Luke is safe. He's with the droids. He's gone to find Obi-Wan and I know he'll be alright. After all my tears this morning, I can't believe I am smiling.

This is the day we lose Luke and I'm glad. Owen and I have done all we can for him, we have protected him these many years. It is my duty, my pleasure, to protect him this one last time from his father's soldiers and I glance at Owen as I speak, knowing that I will be with him again soon. Our secrets will die with us and Luke will be safe.

"The droids are not here, and my nephew has left home."

Don't look back, Luke...


End file.
